Assault Knife Wields Child to Terrorize Apartment Complex; Innocent Mother Arrested
Knife Control NOW! A child gains access to an assault knife and the parent is arrested? What BS is this?! We here at Preventing the Use of Sharp Stabby Implements Everywhere Stateside know that the real culprit is the racists at the National Knife Association (NKA). They've been buying politicians for years; preventing passage of Common-Sense Knife Control Laws (TM) and shielding manufacturers of criminally long and sharp knives from lawsuits. The real question is: why did this woman even own an assault knife? Nobody needs a 10-inch, high-carbon capacity, fully-tanged, concealable steel blade capable of inflicting multiple deep, fatal stabs and lacerations with each slice.
Real Cooks Use Fists, Not Knives
Assault knife fetishists claim that they need these "tools" for fileting, deboning, and other kitchen tasks (they even julienne FRIES!). But for these Bobby Flay and Rachel Ray wannabes in denial, the reality is that they can do the same job with a 1-inch safety-knife or butter knife and are using the excuse of "home cooking" (which is really just stealing money from hardworking, underpaid, oppressed restaurant staff) to avoid surrendering their precious Wusthofs.
In America, we apparently don't blame individuals for shootings. We blame the Manufacturers and Sellers; without whom the robbers, burglars, and other violent criminals of this nation could go about their lives in peace and safety. So, stop blaming negligent owners and parents for knife violence and put the blame on those same makers and sellers of evil assault knives.
In that vein and in association with our partner organizations We Execrate All Knives and Stop Hurting Everyone Everywhere, People! we call on all right-thinking chefs and "home cooks" to surrender their assault knives to the nearest Police Officer and join our march on Washington. Together we'll exercise our right to peaceful protest by smashing windows, burning neighborhood pharmacies, and looting small business to hold the NKA and their Congressional puppets accountable for the billons of lives ended by knife violence worldwide.